الجنسانية واللغة

Open conversations with sexual partners help to clearly communicate needs, boundaries, and desires.

Tips for the conversation:

• Choose the right moment: plan a few minutes for a conversation before sex—e.g., about contraception, desires, or taboos.
• Normalize talking about sexuality. Needs can change over time. This gives you a good basis for continuing to communicate with each other.
• If it feels right for you, start with something that has already felt good with the other person. This way, you start off by showing appreciation for one another.
• Maybe you want to talk to your sex partner about a fantasy without wanting to turn it into reality right away. Talk about whether it's a fantasy, a desire, or something in between.

Phrases to get the conversation started:

Sex influences well-being – talking helps to put experiences into context, clear up uncertainties, and gain new perspectives. Even without a sexual relationship, conversations with people you can trust can be beneficial.

Questions for self-reflection – also as a basis for discussion:

• What does sex actually mean to me?
• What arouses my desire – what doesn't?
• How does sex affect my well-being?
• What fantasies do I have, which ones would I like to live out and which ones would I rather not?

Starting the conversation:

Talk about sex and sexuality in a way that is age-appropriate, honest, and inclusive.

Children are curious, including about sexuality. They discover their own bodies at an early age and ask questions. Through their language and behavior, adults influence how openly or self-consciously children approach the topic of sex. Talking about the body and sexuality in a respectful way promotes a positive body image and healthy sexual development.

What matters:

• Talk in an age-appropriate, honest, and shame-free manner
• Use everyday moments to talk about the body, feelings, boundaries, and privacy
• Use child-friendly language
• Avoid experience-based descriptions of your own sexuality
• Ask for clarification of questions to understand the real reason behind them
• React calmly, even if children use unfamiliar words, and explain alternatives without judging
• Reflect on your own attitude toward sexuality

Examples of answers to the question “What is sex?”

• Too heteronormative, excludes queer people
• Links sex to love and procreation
• Excludes sexual diversity
• Avoid abstract words such as “conceive.”

To sum it up: Sex can be explained in a way that's appropriate for kids, without clichés, with openness and respect.

Communicate respectfully and honestly at eye level.

Young people go through many first experiences

• First menstruation
• First ejaculation
• First love or sexual encounters

These topics should be addressed without shame or taboos, calmly, openly and as relaxed as possible. This creates trust, so young people are more likely to ask questions themselves.

Important: The teen should pick who they talk to about sex, not have that person assigned to them.

Take linguistic challenges seriously.

Young people often use sexualized and provocative language as an expression of self-discovery, differentiation, or insecurity.

What matters is:

• Not every choice of expression is meant to be hurtful. Often, it is simply a lack of vocabulary.
• If young people sense insecurity or shame in adults, they often adopt these feelings themselves.
• If derogatory language such as “bitch” is used without reflection, it can become normal, even if it is sometimes meant ironically or positively.

Adults should set a good example here:

• No unnatural use of youth language
• Find common terms without lecturing
• When language is hurtful, clearly explain why it is problematic and suggest alternatives

Conversation starters:

Sexuality does not end when you get older, and talking about it remains important.

Sexuality continues to change physically, emotionally, and socially in adulthood and old age. Nevertheless, older people are often denied their sexuality or it is treated as taboo.

Typical topics of conversation may include:

• Being confronted with issues such as contraception and STIs for the first time after a breakup
• False belief: using protection is unnecessary after menopause
• Moving into a nursing home and thus a new living situation and changes in privacy
• Physical illnesses, medications, or hormonal changes affect desire and sexual function
• Living alone due to the loss of a partner and thus new questions about closeness, intimacy, and sexuality

Time for reflection – questions for yourself

• Have you ever talked to your (grand)parents about sexuality or contraception?
• What issues or concerns might they have?
• If you were to break up after a long relationship, who would you talk to about sexuality?

Address concerns and needs openly & assertively

It shouldn't be a problem, but unfortunately it often is -- doctors, nurses, psychotherapists, addiction counselors, and many others do not discuss sexuality with their clients. We are trying to change that! But until then, we want to offer a few tips on how clients can start the conversation about sex themselves.

Survey: How often has a doctor talked to you about your sex life? —> Never – Sometimes – Often – Always

Tips for starting a conversation about sexuality with healthcare professionals:

Communicate effectively, with sensitivity and professionalism

Why discuss sexuality?

Sexuality affects all areas of life. Nevertheless, the topic is often neglected in many training programs, particularly in medical, psychological, or social professions. As a result, professionals often feel uncertain, rarely discuss sexuality, or use inappropriate language.

Reducing uncertainty – finding the right language

Tips

• Use neutral language and adapt it sensitively as the conversation progresses
• Create space for clients to choose their own terminology
• Avoid assumptions about identity, orientation, or relationship types
• Talk about sexuality even if it is not actively brought up

Approach sexual history taking in a professional and confidential manner

It has long been standard practice in medicine and therapy, and it can also help in social and educational settings to understand clients holistically.

Goals

• Create an environment of trust
• Address topics such as STIs, libido, contraception, or relationships
• Encourage people to come back later

What can be asked, depending on the setting and relevance:

• Medical history: STIs, pain, itching
• Reasons for coming in/symptoms
• Biographical background/learning history: social background, psychosexual development
• Sexual orientation and identity
• Relationships: committed, casual, anonymous, online, monogamous, polyamorous, open, closed
• Sexual practices: oral sex, vaginal and anal intercourse, chemsex
• Contraception & prevention: condoms, vaccination status (HPV, hepatitis), STI tests
• Substance use: e.g., cannabis, amphetamines, slamming

Conversation starters:

Who to ask? How to ask?

• Sexuality can be an issue for all age groups, from pediatricians to geriatric care
• Use neutral language to start with, then adjust if necessary, e.g., once pronouns or sexual orientations have been clarified
• Don't out people or pressure them, but give them space to disclose information for themselves
• Ask about pronouns, sex organs, and sexual orientation sensitively, with respect and candor

Sexuality on social media

• Strengthen autonomy: Everyone has the right to decide whether, how, and with whom they talk about sexuality or share content. The same rules that apply to direct communication also apply online.
• Consider the public nature of social media. Content shared on social media is rarely truly private. Screenshots, forwarding, or unnoticed recording can lead to a loss of control.
• Respectful language: The same rule applies online: sexualized language must not cause harm. Discrimination, body shaming, or sharing sensitive content without consent are forms of violence. You can find more information on the topic of sexualized violence here.
• Know the community guidelines: many platforms have rules about sharing intimate or sexualized content. It is worth knowing these for your own protection.

What does sexting mean?

Sexting means voluntarily and consensually exchanging with sexually explicit messages, images, or videos. This can be exciting and part of relationships or sexual self-determination. At the same time, sexting carries risks, such as unwanted dissemination of content or pressure from others.

Safer sexting: Tips

• Clarify consent: Sexting should only take place if everyone involved really wants to do it. Pressure or persuasion makes sexting abusive.
• Find your own language! Sexting can take many different forms. Find a way that feels right for you and the other person.
• Protect your privacy: Do not show faces, distinctive tattoos, or living environments if you want the content to remain anonymous.
• Choose secure channels: End-to-end encrypted messengers are more secure than other social media platforms.
• Know your rights: Sharing intimate images without consent is prohibited and may be punishable by law. You can find more information here:  https://www.bka.de/DE/Landingpages/Dontsendit/dontsendit_node.html
• Deletion as an option: Images or messages may be withdrawn or deleted at any time if it no longer feels right.

Help for those impacted

If sexting content is distributed without consent or someone is pressured:

• Get trusted people involved (friends, counseling centers, professionals)
• Secure evidence (screenshots, chat histories)
• Use support services, e.g., online counseling from Nummer gegen Kummer, Juuuport, or other helplines.
• Legal action is possible: Victims have rights, even if it feels overwhelming at first. The “Weisser Ring” is also a good place to turn to.